Redskull's Blog

I Remember When...

Its amazing how different of a path life can take you.

Back in college I thought I at least had a grasp on a few things.

But really now that I think about it I guess I never really knew what I wanted.

I've always just kinda went with things.

People tell me to come over I would.

People would tell me they want to go to dinner I would go.

It was very easy to slip into this path of just doing what everyone else wanted.

And recently its become very apparent.

Moving to a new town, a BIG new town.

Away from really anyone I knew before.

People start to make me decide on things.

Make choices I never really had to make before.

Even when I was a kid i didn't make too many choices.

My parents made most of them for me.

So now its like whoa I really don't care about anything.

Its like "Where do you want to eat?"

Fuck I don't care.

And even this last relationship I was in was really cause I just did stuff for other people.

Or well in my head I did.

This girl for all purposes fell in love with me.

So I went with it.

Why?

Fuck if I know.

Maybe it was nice to have someone want me for a change.

Or maybe cause its a new place and its easier to have someone there.

Or hell I don't know.

I don't feel like i can have a title girlfriend right now.

And I have to make sure that the next girl I start to hang out with like that I am head over heels for.

I do not want to hurt another girl though.

Not like this last one.

Its too rough on the soul.

On another note my imagination has been growing lately.

I'm not entirely sure why.

But its got to the point that I feel like i am someone else while i'm on the verge of sleep,

Its happens more when I am at work and I am tired.

My eyelids shut and my head starts to droop.

Then it hits me.

I'm off doing something else somewhere.

Then I kick back to my reality.

And it has been like 5 seconds since I last looked at the clock.

Not too entirely sure what it means but it is way too quick to be a dream.

Those are only suppose to happen when you hit REM phase of sleep.

So pretty much my head is going crazy.

I also need to start making friends down here.

For all the drama that went on with my friends at college it was still worth it to have them.

I'm just scared I guess.

Scared of what they will think of me.

And that they won't want to hang out with me.

I sorta miss college for that reason.

I went to class with people so it was easy.

And I was better about hiding my inner thoughts.

Its getting harder to do now.

Or well it feels like it anyway.

I wish everything will just work out.

I wish I was happy.

Morning After

I feel like I'm corroding from the inside out.

Sleep has become my escape.

She is not here.

Oh God what have I done?

Third Iteration

Its amazing what the ocean can do to you.

The waves crashing against the sand.

The salt in the air.

The cool breeze.

The complexity of life underneath the serene water.

The actual amount of water on this earth.

Its all an amazing feet by God.

This is the third time that I have visited this area.

The first was right before Senior Year of High school.

At that time I was infatuated with a girl.

I also thought to myself of how I had come so far.

Last year of High school and getting ready for college.

I didn't realize that in a year I would be back.

But luckily enough I was right back down here in a year.

And really its incredible what you learn in a year.

I wasn't infatuated with anyone at the time.

I didn't feel full of history.

I felt like a blank canvas.

This brooding college adventure had me choked up.

I started to realize that I was going to be leaving my small hometown for the nearest biggest one.

My world was getting lager.

If it wasn't already large enough.

I bet your wondering how this connects to the last post. HA HA

Well four years later I am back here again.

And wouldn't you know it as soon as I stepped on the beach my inner world started to calm down.

I don't know why or how but being away from my life and down here again really lets me sit and breath.

Think about the things going on and see them from a third person perspective.

I've been able to relax and take in this world.

And even though God has been leaving me alone for a while I can feel him out there now.

Before this world felt empty.

Hollow.

My place in it meaningless.

But here I can feel him out there.

I don't know what he wants me to do.

But at the very least I know he is there.

Willing to back me up with the choices I make.

This Place Seems Like a Dream

Four days ago I could barely get out of bed.

Not just because of the high fever and unbearable aches.

But also because I've started to feel... hollow.

Not empty in the sense of life.

Just unconnected to this world around me.

I even started to stop caring about things.

Like wanting to go to work or how clean my apartment was.

I just stopped seeing the meaning behind it all.

Behind me.

It felt like I was just going through the motions.

And then among it all I was getting sicker by the minute.

Hoping it was the swine flu and I was one of the lucky few that it took its harsh toll on.

But even death seemed pointless.

As I held the blade close to my wrist it felt pointless.

Meaningless.

Finally my head started pounding and the walls of my inner world started crashing in.

I saw myself being sucked back into the lonely, dark, cold world that I was in the early years of college.

When the day came to go on my planned vacation, I really didn't think it would make a difference.

At this point I had no rhyme or reason to why I felt like Cara should stay with me or go.

Nothing made sense anymore.

Reaching the OBX brought back many memories.

Of girls in my past.

What I was thinking at the time.

Back then I needed the cloud 9 experience and infatuation to like a girl.

It eventually mutated to one need.

They needed to seem to like me.

Show some attraction to me.

Because it seemed few and far between.

But this lead to heart ache and pain.

I've never really thought about what I wanted in a girl.

I have just been I am infatuated with her or she likes me.

There has never really been anything in particular about them.

Which is what I've realized I want.

What I want in a girl.

And if they feel they don't fit it then don't go out.

Basically I needed to get what I like in a girl into a list.

So here I go:

One: She needs to be attractive to me.

Two: She needs to have some relationship with God.

Three: She needs to be outgoing.

Four: She needs to like to read.

Five: She needs to be ok with what I like.

Six: She needs to be willing to try new things.

Seven: She needs to be able to have time apart when we need to be.

Eight: She must like sex but not want it all the time.

Nine: She has to like my sense of humor.

Ten: She has to be willing to meet my parents and try and get along with them.

Eleven: She has to be a little demanding at times.

Twelve: She needs to have a career or an idea of a career she wants.

Thirteen: She must have hopes and dreams.

Fourteen: She has to be able to cry in front of me.

Fifteen: She needs to be able to talk to me about anything.

Sixteen: She has to be able to listen to me talk.

Seventeen: She has to be willing to go out and do things.

Thats all I can think of for now.

Unfortunately I am ridiculously tired and need sleep.

So I will finish my post later.

Mindless Anger

You ever get so mother fucking pissed off for no G@d damn reason!

All of this frustration and anger bottled up inside of you that you just need to vent it out at once.

Some sort of violent and enraged motion.

I usually do this with some sort of video game but the mother fuckers online just piss me off more.

This non-focused anger just makes me even more fucking pissed.

Especially that there is no fucking reason to have this stupid fucking pissy mood.

Nothing set it off, nothing triggered it.

Just fucking AHH!!!

I fucking wanna hit shit!

Dammit mother fucker i need to get rid of this shit some butt fucking how.

From The Look In Your Eyes, I Know You Bleed Internally

Blackened eyes, streaked face

She cries out.

"God if you only knew how this felt!"

He is stunned for a moment.

All of the settled dust and sand in his mind

Swirling around again.

The memories re-awake.

Passionate kissing and grasping at clothes.

She throws him at the bed.

Grabs something from the desk.

Tosses him a condom.

"You're going to need this."

He still has his card in his back pocket.

The one you only give away once.

He wants to show her he loves her.

He gets on the bed.

This is the last time he touches her that way.

The whirlwind of the storm keeps the dust unsettled.

Four years his crush has lasted.

He always pictured her a beauty queen.

Beautiful in her own ways.

Every year he tries to get her to like him.

Every year he fails.

Until this final time.

They are alone.

He wants to prove to her that he is good.

Worthy enough to stay.

Once more he gets on the bed.

Being the last time he touches her that way.

The sand storm settles for a bit and his mind starts to clear.

But through his mind are those words "if you only knew"

And he wonders how he got like this.

He aches to know where that passion has gone.

But he has already failed her.

He can not tell her he knows what its like.

He has to be the bad guy.

He has to be wrong.

She can't turn out like him.

She can't lose what she has.

What he lost.

What was broken for him.

A touch use to mean something.

A simple stroke of the hair.

A gentle kiss.

That has all become to little.

You are obligated to do so much more now.

The crazy and worthwhile things to prove you attraction.

When on the inside it burns you alive.

Even locked in your room all by yourself.

Doing things you've done since puberty.

Still makes you feel decade.

Black inside.

Every sin of the flesh makes you want to leave it a little more.

Is it so hard to hold back?

Stop all of this insanity.

When you are fully clothed and wandering mind.

When you are looking at a half naked person.

Her curves.

Her soft skin.

Every inch of her screaming to be touched.

You know what will happen.

You know this won't end well.

But maybe if it's just a single touch.

As the hand gentle cups a breast.

The attraction heightens.

She looks you in the eye.

Her hair is all around you.

She is beautiful.

You think maybe just a little more.

You feed that addiction.

That craving for what you lost.

But you know what is to come.

She wants you first.

When you cum it finally hits you.

You inner world comes crashing down.

Your ashamed to even look at her because of how disgusting you feel.

Your afraid if she looks you in the eyes she will see.

The internal bleeding.

A Drop of Me

Why is my face wet?

Why are my eyes dry?

Why am i so tired?

Can't there be happiness?

Aren't things suppose to get easier?

Where did everyone go?

Why I Stop Moving

As I walk along this path in front of me I wonder where I am going.

Unsure of what hills I may climb.

Or what Flowers I may come to smell.

The path ahead is dark.

The curves and shadows hide it so very well.

It is quite amazing of how this path in front of me is windy and complex.

But when I take the time to stop and look back.

The crazy and twisted path I just took is amazingly straight.

I can look back and see the begining.

The bright spot that marks the entrance to these woods that I took my adventure in.

The gravel, dirt, and dead flowers that clearly define the road I took.

The green and gold roof that has covered my head from the beginning.

The dark woods beside the path; ground impossible to look upon.

Covered by ferns and weeds as far as the eye can see.

Leading all the way to me.

This exact spot that I stand in.

From this point forward the road changes.

The path is twisted and crooked.

The surrounding forrest is less gold and darker.

Its ground is impassible becuase of gnarled roots and thorn bushes.

And to take a step forward would mean everything would change but stay the same.

I'm scared to move.

I wish not to trample on anymore flowers on my path.

I've already have done so to half a dozen.

Increadibly beautiful flowers that I should have seen coming.

Precious life in this wicked forest.

But I didn't see them untill after I had walked by.

That is why I am scared to move.

This is why I stand here and look back.

I'm human and I just don't know what I want

I'm such a such a moron, wuss, idiot, loser, wannabe, self loathing, egotistical, attention seeking, whore who doesn't and can't get a hold of his own inner thoughts to save his own heart. Especially now as I right this and look back over the years of this God forsaken blog. This trophy to my need to feel like people want/care to know about me. This idea that people should give two shits about me. AND that I need them too. I shouldn't need them. I should be fine with myself and with who i am. I should be able to deal with things in my head. But I just can't. I hide my thoughts in my stories. In my poetry. I create larger than life characters to act the way I wish i could. When it comes to real life I just play it all off. I act like the cool guy that gets his share fair of sex. When really I use sex to feel loved. I kiss, feel up, fuck a girl because I feel like thats what i need to do. Thats the only way to get the girl to be with me. And then when a girl actually wants to stick around my head plays messed up fucking games with me. Am i excited to talk to her? well i dunno. Everyone says im settling. They said it with my Ex too. But what is settling? What is not settling? When is someone you that excited to see/talk to the same with you? I've wanted so many girls that didn't want me half as much. but I've also seen it when they want me twice as much as I want them. This whole thing is a mind fuck. My inner world is so cockeyed right now. is/;lknfgl;kadj;kvjhas;fsnosag'lwqpfWGvwanfb; lkhb;gjvtpjmg i feel like i could explode with everything inside me. But im not special. Everyone goes through this. People find a way. But where would be the individuality if we all went through the same thing doing the same stuff. Sure people have gotten through rough times but non of them have went through what I have. I haven't gone through much compared to other people. So why am i crying? This doesn't make sense. There are so many people worse off than me. Why am I being so selfish with this? Because it deals with my life. Its in my head. I HAVE to deal with this. They have to get through their things and more power to them.  I hate how I'm so naive. Thinking that girls like me. But you never think that girls like you. Well look at what I have to work with. Your not that bad of a guy. Well i have a shity track record. Who doesn't? There are tons of people that have shity pasts and they make it through. Yah well THEY AREN'T ME! They haven't gone through the same stuff they haven't fallen for the same people. Well your logic is flawed because if it was your way then no one would be in a relationship. Yes they would im just saying with my track record i dont know how to get excited anymore. I havent felt excited about a girl since the last one i fucked and we see how that turned out well. So you are saying that you dont get excited about anyone? no that isnt true because I get excited to talk to two of my best of friends, who are girls, so naturally i thought that I had a crush on them when i really didnt and they are just really good friends that i want to talk to. And since they showed the slightest want to be my friend they get this burden. How fair is that?  But that doesnt mean you should settle. Well what choice do I have. IF I EVER find someone that loves me it should be cherished because it doesnt happen often. Yes and you see how well that went last time. Ending with a trip to a psychiatrist and breaking down in the middle of Brunos might have been bad. Because you wanted that love back. The love that you stopped because you knew you didnt love her as much as she loved you. It wasn't fair to her! She deserves to find a better guy than me. Oh cmon you dimwit is she with someone else right now? No. Stop trying to replace the fact that you just didnt like her that much and wanted to find someone you did. Well look what happen when you found someone  you wanted. They broke my fucking heart. Fucked me and moved on. Is this all really about Gannon Girl. God Damnit man that was years ago! DO NOT go back to that. Well what else can I do thats where it all started. I WAS excited about her. I SO desprately wanted her. I GAVE myself to her. Just to have her replace me with a guy she ended up replacing.  Is this where it ends then with going back to her? These last three years were all just getting over THAT. Cmon you panzy ass bitch. Just because I give a fuck doesn't mean I'm weak. Stop trying to hide it and get to the real facts. Look deep down and find it. I feel like i betraed God. WRONG try again if not in the lead. I'm human and I just don't know what I want. WOW he actually came up with it on his own!! Never thought I would see that. Now keep that in mind when you get all fucking weird again. It will be tough but ill try.

Gray Pastures and White Skys, My Mind has turned Black and White.

I'm not sure what I feel anymore.

I've become such a drone in some ways.

Meet pretty girl.

Flirt with pretty girl.

Mess around with pretty girl.

Be alone.

Wash.

Rinse.

Repeat.

It's gotten to the point where I don't know how else to be.

Sure I'm myself and I do what I want to.

But with girls it has always been this arduous task of waiting and hoping for them to like me.

So when I find a girl that actually likes me I don't know what to do or feel.

This ultimate fear that I will never find a girl that likes me steps in my way.

And I get so wrapped up with the idea that she likes me that I don't think about my own feelings.

I don't look at if I love them.

This has become rather relavant in the past few days.

I met up with highschool girl who well has graduated and now be reffered to as college girl.

Well College girl really really likes me.

And it worries me cause for one she reminds me of my ex and two I am unsure if I feel exactly the same for her.

I don't wanna hurt her and I sure don't wanna get into something if I am unsure.

But it feels like i'm killing her.

And I hate to hurt people.

So it's now a matter of looking inward to see what will happen.

Not going to lie.

I'm a little scared to look in there.